Love And Other Idiocies
by Raziel12
Summary: Love makes fools of us all, especially Fang and Lightning. A series of snippets and short stories about the idiotic things love makes our favourite former l'Cie do. Chapter 3: After awakening from crystal stasis, Fang and Vanille move in with Lightning. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
1. Chapter 1

**Lightning and Fang**

**Eyes Front**

Fang liked to believe that the world was a just place in which the wicked were punished and the good were rewarded. That would certainly explain why she had been blessed with the best view in the entire universe. Saving the world was clearly worth a lot of brownie points with the Maker.

Yes, Fang was walking behind Lightning along the beach, and Lightning was in a bikini. It was almost enough to make her wax lyrical about the other woman and her fine… assets. Really, it was hard to imagine how her day could possibly get any better. She had an absolutely perfect view of the soldier's long, perfect legs and her toned, equally perfect ass. All she needed now was for Lightning to turn a little bit to the side, and she'd be able to see –

WHACK.

The world was indeed a just place. And although Fang had helped save the world, she had also stolen Vanille's toast for breakfast.

X X X

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

"Do you think she's dead?"

"No, she twitched when I poked her."

Fang groaned and opened her eyes to find Vanille and Serah staring down at her. The redhead even had a stick in one hand, and she didn't look the least bit guilty about it. "What happened?"

Vanille giggled. "Do you want to hear the long version or the short version?"

"The short version." Fang groaned.

"Basically, you were staring at Lightning's ass so hard that you didn't notice the beach umbrella I set up. You kind of walked into it and knocked yourself out."

"…." Fang blinked. "Oh."

"Yep." Serah snickered. "My sister's ass is a deadly weapon."

The owner of the aforementioned deadly ass scowled as pushed past Serah and Vanille so that she could lean over Fang. "I think you've got a concussion too."

Fang stared at Lightning. And then she stared at Lightning's chest, which looked every bit as good as the rest of her in a bikini. "Your breasts are pretty deadly too."

Lightning raised one eyebrow. "You've definitely got a concussion." Her lips twitched, and she turned and walked away, hips swaying perhaps more than was necessary. "But thanks."

X X X

**Proposal**

Lightning was renowned for her calm under fire. It didn't matter how dire the situation was, there was nothing she couldn't handle with skill and aplomb once she put her mind to it. Well, she did have one tiny weakness, a miniscule, little weakness that wasn't normally a problem but which was about to become more of a catastrophe.

The truth was that Lightning had the emotional intelligence of a rock, and not even a particularly shiny rock. She was that dull rock wedged in amongst all the others and covered in moss. Oh, she could inspire people and rally them behind her. She could even handle grief and sorrow. But when it came to matters of the heart, to matters of a more tender and delicate nature, she was absolutely clueless.

Normally, this wouldn't have been that big a deal. She had been blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who didn't mind her quirks. Fang even found the fact that she was the emotional equivalent of a rabid hedgehog to be somewhat adorable.

But this was different, very different.

Lightning was finally ready to admit that she didn't just love Fang. She loved her – as in forever and ever loved her. And once she'd admitted that to herself, her course of action became clear. If she loved Fang that much, then she wanted Fang to be with her for the rest of her life. One of the best ways to ensure that was to marry her, to commit in the firmest, most public way possible.

There was just one problem: marrying Fang involved proposing.

Now, Lightning was not the cleverest emotional rock in the quarry, but she understood enough to realise how important a good proposal was. Serah still gushed over how romantic Snow's proposal had been. Not only would Lightning hate to lose to Snow at anything but she also wanted to give Fang those same kind of happy memories.

Fang deserved the best, but how could Lightning deliver the best? How could she pull off a suitably romantic proposal? The easy part – all things considered – was coming up with an appropriately romantic situation. She had the might of the Guardian Corps behind her, to say nothing of what she could achieve when she put her mind to something.

But a romantic situation was not enough. Lightning wanted to let Fang know how she really felt, which meant using words – romantic words – and that was where she needed all the help she could get.

There was only one person she could turn to.

And that person was definitely not Vanille.

X X X

"Serah, I need your help!"

The mere fact that Lightning wanted her help was enough to set Serah on edge. As a rule, Lightning did not ask for help. If she were bleeding to death, she might – maybe – ask for assistance while acting as though she were perfectly fine.

Serah put down the sweater she was knitting for Snow and took a quick look out the window. No, fire was not raining down from the sky and a portal had not opened up from an alternate dimension unleashing a swarm of monsters.

"You need my help?"

"Yes." Lightning nodded firmly. "It's very important."

"And I'm not going to have to kill anything and nothing is going to try to kill me?"

Lightning paused, and Serah waited for a monster of some kind to come crashing through the wall. "No."

"Okay then." Serah patted a spot on the couch beside her. "Have a seat. Now, how can I help you?"

Lightning sat down and then breathed deeply. Serah had to fight to keep calm. She'd never seen her sister look so troubled before. Maybe the world really was ending. Maybe the Guardian Corps had been keeping it a secret from everyone, and Serah would be the first person outside of the Corps to know. Maybe…

"I need to practice my proposal to Fang on you."

"…" Serah shook her head. Surely, she'd misheard. "I beg your pardon."

What followed was a healthy serving of verbal gobbledegook with a nice side of emotional meltdown. It involved, in no particular order, Fang, a marriage proposal, hedgehogs with rabies, and a great deal of hand wringing and at least one screech of frustration.

"So…" Serah sighed. "Let me get this straight. You want to know if your marriage proposal is romantic enough by trying it out on me first?"

"Yes."

"Lightning…" Serah patted her sister's hand. "I don't think Fang will mind, as long as it's from you. She already knows how you are."

"Yes, but I want to do this right. I want to make it special. She deserves special." Lightning's jaw clenched. "So, please, can we just do this?"

"Fine." Serah shrugged. "Let me hear it."

What followed was one of the most endearingly, idiotically, adorably, awkward proposals that Serah had ever heard. It even brought a tear to her eye although she wasn't sure if it was from amusement or raw emotion. At last, Lightning finished and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Will you marry me?"

And that, of course, was when Snow and Fang walked into the room.

X X X

"It's not funny!" Lightning tackled Fang to the ground as Snow and Serah snickered behind them. "I was not proposing to my sister."

"Oh, I don't know about that." Fang grabbed Lightning's hands and rolled, pinning the other woman to the floor. "You two looked pretty cosy on the couch there, and you've always been really close." She smirked. "Maybe Snow has some competition."

"Fang!"

Fang smiled softly. "Relax, I'm joking. I know what you were doing." She leaned down and pressed her forehead against Lightning's. "You don't have to worry so much. I'll love whatever proposal you put together." She chuckled. "And it does take the pressure off me to come up with something."

"Fang!"

"Look," Fang said. "No matter how good or how bad your proposal is, you should know that I'll say yes."

"You will?"

"Well, yeah. I love you."

Lightning yanked Fang down into a passionate kiss, one that only deepened as weeks of stress melted away and –

"Ahem." Serah cleared her throat. "None of that on my floor please."

X X X

**Just A Joke**

Lightning stared at the crocodile. The crocodile stared back at her. In one corner was one of the finest warriors that Cocoon had ever produced, the rising star of the Guardian Corps. In the other corner was one of nature's greatest creations, a reptilian killing machine of unmatched efficiency.

The two predators locked eyes, neither of them moving. Would the woman strike first or would the crocodile?

Normally, this was where sanity would have prevailed. But this was Lightning, and she'd made the mistake of listening to Vanille. Those two things – being Lightning and listening to Vanille – were not exactly hallmarks of sanity.

So what happened next?

Lightning leapt into the shallow water and flung her arms around the crocodile.

The battle was on.

X X X

Fang could barely believe what she was seeing. Her girlfriend had just waded into the lake and then leapt on top of a crocodile. Even for Lightning that was bizarre. The pair was now rolling around in the shallows, with Lightning maintaining an iron grip on the crocodile's jaws as she rode out its thrashing and spinning. At the same time, she was slowly, but surely, locking in a chokehold on the beast.

Somehow, the soldier was winning. Indeed, she emerged from the lake a few minutes later, soggy but victorious, dragging the exhausted crocodile up onto the sand beside her. The reptile looked distinctly embarrassed at being beaten on its own turf, and Fang gave it a sympathetic nod before turning to Lightning.

"Lightning, why did you attack that crocodile?"

Lightning's brows furrowed. "I was supposed to, wasn't I?" Isn't this… I don't know… a Yun courtship ritual or something?"

Oh.

OH.

"Lightning, I don't know how to break this to you, but wrestling crocodiles isn't a Yun courtship ritual."

"But Vanille said…"

Fang sighed. Oh boy. "She probably did say something about how Yun courtship is so insane that we have to wrestle crocodiles to prove our love, right?"

Lightning's eye twitched. "So… she was lying. I'm going to kill her." She paused and eyed the crocodile speculatively. "Do you think I can fit that thing in her bed?"

"Sit down." Fang tugged Lightning down to sit beside her on the sand. "Vanille was probably joking – I don't think she meant for this to happen. Back in our day, people used to joke about Yun courtship rituals all the time. One of the most common jokes, the one that the Dia loved the most was, was that we had to wrestle crocodiles to prove out love. And it's not like all the jokes were even wrong. Some Yun courtship rituals are pretty bizarre and crazy."

"Like?"

"Think dead animals on your doorstep. Lots of dead animals."

"Oh."

"Anyway," Fang said. "I appreciate the effort. I really do." She shooed the crocodile away, and it departed, shooting Lightning one last glare as it slid back into the water. "But the next time you want to do some wrestling in water… just ask me."

X X X

**Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

Love makes fools of us all… especially Fang and Lightning! I'm planning to make this a collection of humorous snippets and short stories focusing on the idiotic things people do because they are in love. Most of these will probably be about Fang and Lightning, but I will also be including a few chapters centred around other pairings too. After all, love makes fools out of everybody.

Also, I hope that all of you guys had a Merry Christmas, and I hope you all have a Happy New Year too.

I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile. If you're looking for something fun to read, try _Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf_, or, if you want something more serious, try _The Last Huntress._

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Fishing Trip**

"You know, we could catch a lot more fish if we used our powers."

Vanille sighed and then reached across the small boat to slap Lightning upside the head. "You really don't get it, do you? Fishing is all about appreciating the beauty and majesty of nature, relishing the primal battle between fisher and fish, and savouring the pristine stillness and quiet of a day out on the water."

Lightning's eye twitched. "I bet you spend most of your time sleeping instead of fishing."

"Meditation is an excellent way to commune with nature. I immerse myself in the peacefulness of the lake." Vanille paused. "And it can be very comfortable out here sometimes. Besides, there's no need for you to get so cranky. We're here to bond, Lightning. You do know what bonding means, right?"

Lightning made a face. "I swear, if you start talking about how we're really sisters now that Fang and I are married and how great it is that you and Serah are actually related now, then I am going to kill you."

"You can't kill me. Fang would be really pissed off – and she'd make you sleep on the couch. You wouldn't last a month without your daily dose of Fang."

"I can strangle you, dump your body in the lake, and claim you fell in and drowned." Lightning flexed her hands, imagining how easy it would be.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're an extremely violent person? I can see why Fang likes you." Vanille chuckled. "But admit it, you actually do like me. Otherwise, I'd already be dead."

"I suppose you're not that horrible to have around. You're cheerful, if nothing else. I guess somebody has to be."

"I'm also incredibly kind, intelligent, and empathetic. Yep, I'm perfect little sister material." Vanille flexed her bicep. It was not particularly impressive. "Why stick with a Serah when you can upgrade to a Vanille?"

"I'll tell Serah you said that," Lightning replied.

"Uh, please don't. I know I tease you about having a sister fixation, but Serah is even worse than you are. If she think's I'm actually trying to replace her as your little sister, she really will kill me and bury me in the backyard. I've seen her use a shovel before. It's not that unlikely."

Lightning opened her mouth and then closed it. She'd once seen Serah kill a rat with a shovel. It had not been pretty. In fact, it had been quite terrifying. "Okay, I won't tell her."

"Thanks." Vanille leaned back. "But, really, it is nice spending time with you without the world ending or anything like that. Sure, you're kind of crappy at fishing, but none of us is perfect although Fang seems to think you are."

Lightning rolled her eyes. "You know, you haven't caught any fish either."

"Actually…" Vanille sat up. "I have a bite."

An hour passed, and Vanille caught four fish. Lightning, however, only managed to catch what appeared to be an ancient boot from the War of Transgression.

"If it makes you feel any better, that's an antique boot." Vanille peered at the boot more closely. "I mean we can't eat it or anything, but there are collectors who'd pay a decent price for that. You could use that money to buy a fish."

"You are not helping." Lightning unhooked the boot and cast her line in again. "How are you so good at this?"

"It's because I radiate calm and kindness. The fish never realise that's happening until… bam! They're hooked. You, on the other hand, radiate malevolence and evil. The fish know better than to go anywhere near your side of the boat. Just think happy thoughts, and I'm sure you'll have more luck."

"Right." Lightning laughed. "I don't think that's how it works."

"Well, you never know. Besides, the Dia have a saying: think mean thoughts, get mean fish. Considering the lake we're in, we could run into some pretty mean fish while we're out here unless you lighten up a little."

Vanille's words proved to be remarkably prescient.

Not long after she'd spoken, Lightning finally hooked her first fish, only to find herself in a tug of war with a much, much bigger fish that had decided it wanted her fish.

"Lightning, you should probably just let that fish go." Vanille pointed at the massive fish churning the water a few yards from their boat. "Because that other fish is huge, as in really, really huge. It's got a lot of teeth too."

"I am not letting it take my fish." Lightning braced her feet against the edge of the boat and pulled. "I refuse to go home empty handed. This is my fish, and I'll be damned if I let that other fish steal what's mine." But the other fish refused to budge, and little by little, it actually began to pull the boat toward it. "Vanille hand me my gun blade."

"Uh… I thought we weren't going to be using any weapons."

"Get my gun blade now!"

Vanille handed Lightning her gun blade.

"All right, you stupid fish." Lightning waited until they were right next to the gigantic fish that was trying to steal the small, scrawny fish she'd managed to hook before levelling her weapon at the big fish and giving it her most ferocious glare. "Let go right now, or I swear I'll kill you and cook you for dinner."

The big fish let go.

Lightning smirked. "That's right, swim away." Then she turned back to Vanille and held up her prize – the smallest fish they'd caught all day. "Look, I caught one!"

Vanille winced. "Uh, that's great." Then she looked over the side of the boat. Uh oh. "Lightning, do you think that you could maybe use your gun blade because that big fish is preparing to ram us, and I don't think our boat can take a hit like that?"

Lightning turned and followed Vanille's gaze. "Oh… OH!"

X X X

Fang's eyes widened as Lightning parked in front of the house. Slung over the roof of the car was one of the largest fish she'd ever seen.

"What… the… hell?"

Lightning glared at the huge fish. "We had a little argument. I won."

"Lightning," Fang said. "I thought you went fishing. Why is that fish full of bullet holes?"

"Like I said, we had an argument, and I won." Lightning held up a small fish. "But, look, I did catch one without using my gun blade!"

X X X

**Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

Ah, Vanille and her fishing trips – they never seem to end well. Then again, can you really imagine Lightning sitting in a boat for a whole day and just waiting for the fish to come? Oh, no. Lightning is the kind of person that goes out and gets her fish, even if it's at gunpoint. Also, in case you guys don't know, I do post a lot of shorter stuff over on my Tumblr (e.g., snippets) that doesn't appear over here.

I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warmth**

"Is there a reason that you're in my bed, Vanille?" Lightning asked.

Vanille shivered. "Because it's cold, the power is out, my heater broke, and I don't have any more blankets."

"And you couldn't have snuggled up to Fang, you know, your sister?" Lightning sighed as Vanille made herself comfortable, burrowing under her blanket and latching onto her middle like a barnacle.

"Fang is pretty warm, but you're like a furnace." Vanille sighed and pressed her face against Lightning's shoulder. This was so nice. "Toasty warm."

"I should kill you," Lightning mused. "I mean I've got a big backyard. No one would ever know. I even have a new shovel."

"You wouldn't kill me. You like me too much.' Vanille sighed happily, relishing Lightning's warmth. "I'm starting to get why Serah used to sleep in your bed so much. You're actually quite cuddly."

"She told you about that?" Lightning scowled.

"In her defence, we might have been really drunk. I just have a good memory." The door creaked open, and Vanille smiled at Fang. "Hey, Fang!"

"Why are you in Lightning's bed?" Fang's eye twitched. Although she and Lightning were still theoretically just friends, she couldn't say she was too thrilled about this development. "Vanille?"

"Well, there's no power, my heater broke, and I don't have enough blankets." Vanille smiled sunnily and cuddled up to Lightning. "Lightning, however, is toasty warm and way cuddlier than a heater." She patted the bed on the other side of Lightning. "You should give it a try."

"Do I get a say in any of this?" Lightning asked dryly. "Or am I just a source of warmth?"

"Hey, all you have to do is tell me to get out and I will."

Silence.

"See?" Vanille grinned. "She doesn't mind."

Fang had to hand it to Vanille. She was one of the only people in the world stubborn and crazy enough to just hop into bed with Lightning – and she was maybe the only person charming enough to pull it off. "If it's okay with you, Lightning…"

Lightning shrugged. "I've already got one barnacle attached, and it would be a shame if you froze to death after everything we did to get you two out of crystal stasis."

Fang smiled. "Okay, then."

Soon enough, there were three of them in bed. Fang pressed herself closer to Lightning. Vanille was right. Despite her frosty disposition, Lightning was a furnace.

"Could you stop squirming?" Lightning yawned. "Fang, I'm trying to sleep."

"Uh… I'm just tyring to work out where to put my hands and –"

Lightning made a fed up noise and simply yanked Fang against her. "There. But if your hands start wandering, I'll kill you."

"Ah." Fang relaxed ever so slightly. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it." Lightning closed her eyes as Fang's hand settled on her hip. "I mean it."

Then she was asleep. Fang, however, was not so quick to follow since Vanille, naturally, began to snore.

X X X

"Serah, I'm sure she's fine. She's one of the toughest people I know," Snow said as Serah used her spare key to unlock the front door of Lightning's house. "Besides, Vanille and Fang live here too. Those three can handle anything. A little power failure isn't going to kill them."

"Look, I just want to check on her, that's all," Serah replied. "Now, stay down here. I'll take a quick peek in her bedroom."

Five minutes later, Serah came back down, her expression utterly unreadable.

"Is… uh… everything okay?" Snow asked. Had something bad actually happened?

"Lightning was in bed."

"Oh. Was she still asleep?"

"That's not it Snow." Serah paused. "Fang was in her bed."

"Really?" He grinned. "I had a feeling about those two –"

"And so was Vanille."

"Oh." Snow gaped. "Well… I can't say I was expecting that."

X X X

**Lawnmower Apocalypse**

Vanille didn't object to doing her fair share of the chores. It was, after all, the price of living in Lightning's house. However, she did object to what Lightning defined as fair. Take right now, for example. Vanille could have been doing something fantastically worthwhile like improving the efficiency of their microwave or upping the capacity of their refrigerator. Instead, Lightning had her mowing the lawn. That was just wrong.

She glared down at the lawnmower. The stupid thing was so annoying to start, and it took so much effort to push. It couldn't even remove the weeds while it was mowing the grass. Whatever happened to multitasking? She stopped. Wait. Lightning had told her to mow the lawn. She'd never said anything about how it got done. Vanille smiled and rubbed her hands together as she bit back a maniacal cackle. Oh, yes, the lawn would get mowed – mowed good and proper – and Lightning would thank her for being so awesome.

X X X

Lightning ambled into the living room and scowled. Vanille was sitting on the couch, sipping some soda and munching on some popcorn as she watched a movie. "Didn't I tell you to mow the lawn?"

"Yes, you did." Vanille turned to Lightning and gave her a thumb's up. "It's getting mowed right now."

"Really?" Sceptical wouldn't even begin to describe Lightning's voice.

"Yes, really." Vanille's smile was brighter than sunshine. "Go out and have a look. You can thank me later."

More than a little afraid of what she'd find – possibly a flock of hungry sheep – Lightning went outside. Hmm… this wasn't that bad. Their old lawnmower had clearly been modified. It was about twice its previous size and covered with a host of advanced sensors and other unidentifiable equipment. The lawnmower was all but silently making its way around the front lawn, cutting the grass, removing the weeds, and leaving behind small amounts of fertiliser at the same time. It was, Lightning thought, actually quite brilliant. She might have to thank Vanille for real. Then the lawnmower stopped. One of the cameras on top of it zoomed in on her as a storm of alarms went off.

"Intruder detected!" the lawnmower wailed. "Initiating defence protocol!"

And with that, the lawnmower transformed into a killing machine that would have done the War of Transgression proud.

X X X

"You!"

Vanille yelped as Lightning grabbed her by the scruff of her shirt and dragged her into the front yard before throwing her at a scrapheap of burning metal. It was her lawnmower. "What did you do? You killed the lawnmower!"

"Me? You're asking me what I did? That thing saw me and tried to kill me."

"But why would it do that?" Vanille cringed. "Unless I maybe, might have, I don't know, forgot to input your data, so that it wouldn't think you were an intruder." She paused. "But it wasn't trying to kill you, just subdue you."

A pair of scissors lanced into the ground in front of Vanille. "I want this lawn properly cut, and you're going to be doing that with those scissors."

"Do I have to?" The scissors were not very big at all.

"Do you enjoy living?"

"Yes."

"Then start cutting."

X X X

**The Rake**

After the disaster involving the murderous lawnmower, Lightning forbade Vanille from going anywhere near their gardening equipment. Just the thought of what the redhead might do to their hedge trimmer – to say nothing about their chainsaw – was enough to give Lightning nightmares.

Naturally, it was up to Fang to pick up the slack. Unlike her sister, Fang was perfectly content to use gardening equipment the way it was intended, as opposed to transforming it into its own form of life. As autumn rolled in, and the big tree in the front yard began to shed its leaves, Fang added raking the leaves to her routine whenever she had a day off.

There was something oddly therapeutic about raking the leaves. Perhaps it was because of how visible the signs of progress were. When Fang started, the lawn would be covered in orange and brown leaves. When she was finished, the leaves would be gone. It was simple and clear, which was more than she could say about everything else in her life.

Trying to adjust to this new world – one in which the survivors of Cocoon were trying to build a new society on Gran Pulse – was not easy. She hadn't given much thought to what she'd do after they defeated Barthandelus. A part of her had always just assumed that she would die in the attempt, making any thoughts about the future completely pointless.

But here she was.

At least she wasn't alone. Vanille was still around, as loveably odd as ever, and so were Lightning and the others. At the thought of the pink-haired woman, Fang paused for a moment and propped her rake up on her shoulder. Lightning had not only allowed Fang and Vanille to live with her but she had also done the most out of anyone to help them adjust. And this was despite Vanille's semi-frequent attempts to improve things that always – always – ended in horror.

Fang still wasn't sure what to make of it. From what she'd learned from Serah, it was all about family. Lightning considered Fang and the others her family now, which meant that come hell or high water, Lightning was going to see them thrive, even if she had to drag them to success kicking and screaming. It was such a typically Lightning way approach things: succeed… or else. Well, Fang could handle that.

The wind blew and more leaves tumbled down onto the lawn. Fang chuckled. Raking leaves always got her thinking, perhaps too much. Sometimes, life was complicated. But sometimes, it was very simple. She didn't have just Vanille anymore. She had the others too, and somehow, they'd make things work.

And speaking of work…

"Stop dawdling," Lightning said. "And get back to work."

"I was just taking a moment to admire the view." Fang waggled her eyebrows as Lightning bent over to pull another weed out of the lawn. The pink-haired woman scowled as if offended that a weed would dare grow in her lawn.

"What view?" Fang merely continued to stare until Lightning caught her meaning. "Fang!"

Fang laughed and brought her rake around to bat away the weed Lightning threw at her head. "Heh. It'll take more than a weed to get me when I've got the rake, Lightning."

"How about I throw a shovel next time?"

Fang got back to work.

X X X

**The Microwave**

The microwave did not go gently into that good night.

It burnt and raved at the closing of its day.

It raged, raged, raged and died in a flash of light.

Yes, Fang had killed the microwave. It was sad, really. She had, on no small number of occasions, imagined spearing the ornery piece of technology and hurling its remains out onto the front lawn as a warning to all of the other uncooperative microwaves out there. But lately, she'd begun to like the microwave more. In particular, she'd become quite fond of microwaved popcorn whenever she, Vanille, and Lightning sat down to watch a movie for movie night.

This week, a Guardian Corps emergency meant that Lightning had been unable to attend. But Vanille had insisted on the two of them watching a movie anyway, and Fang had gone off to make popcorn.

And then the microwave had died.

"What was that exploding sound?" Vanille asked as she ran into the kitchen. "If we're exploding things, I want in." 

Fang pointed at the microwave.

"Oh." Vanille's eyes widened. "OH!"

"Yeah. Oh."

"We have to fix it." Vanille shoved Fang out of the way and began poking and prodding the microwave. Smoke billowed out of it, and little bits of charred popcorn rolled onto the kitchen floor. "Do you have any idea how much Lightning loves the microwave?"

Fang knew exactly how much Lightning loved the microwave. The pink-haired woman could cook, but after a long, tiring shift with the Guardian Corps, she wasn't always in the mood for cooking. Sometimes, all Lightning wanted to do was throw something into the microwave. It didn't matter that microwaved food didn't taste the best. All that mattered was how quick it was.

"We're dead!" Vanille wailed. "Lightning is going to come home tomorrow, find out that we murdered her microwave, and then she's going to kill us."

"Wait a second –"

"No!" Vanille rounded on Fang. "We don't both have to die. Only you have to die. You're the one who murdered your microwave. I was just in the living room getting the movie ready, and you've always hated the microwave…"

"Vanille, calm down." Fang grabbed Vanille. "Lightning is not going to kill us over a microwave."

"Do you remember what she did to Snow after he broke her grill?"

Fang opened her mouth and then shut it. Snow had been lucky to escape with his life after breaking Lightning's grill. It had taken Fang, Vanille, Serah, Hope, and Sazh to drag her away before she could murder him. "We're going to die."

"No, you're going to die." Vanille stepped away from Fang. "I'm sorry, Fang. I love you, but I am not taking the fall for you murdering the microwave."

Fang scowled. "Vanille, do you really think she'll believe you if you say you didn't have anything to do with it?"

"…" Vanille covered her face with her hands. "We're both going to die."

"No, we're not." Fang took a deep breath. "We can get her another microwave, one that's exactly the same."

"No, we can't. They don't even make this kind anymore!" Vanille wailed. "And she'd know. She'd know, and you know it!"

"What do we do then?" Fang asked.

Vanille took a deep breath. "You wait for her naked on her bed and –"

"No!" Fang growled. "How about…"

X X X

Lightning yawned and unlocked the front door. Her mission had taken longer than expected, and she couldn't wait to have a shower and fall asleep in her own bed. But the instant, she was through the door, she was accosted by Vanille.

"Please, don't kill us!" Vanille wailed. "I'm the last Dia, and Fang is the last Yun, so you'll be committing genocide if you kill us."

Lightning was instantly fully awake and alert. "What did you do?"

"Your microwave broke down, so we bought you a new one. It's top of the line with all the bells and whistles," Fang said as she pried Vanille off Lightning.

"Is that so?" Lightning went into the kitchen. "Hey, that's pretty nice." She nodded. "I was actually going to get rid of the old microwave. It's been playing up for about a week, so it was only a matter of time."

"Oh." Fang and Vanille exchanged looks, and Fang cleared her throat. "Well, we saved you the trouble then."

"Yes, you did. Thanks." Lightning shrugged. "I'm going to go shower and sleep. Maybe we can watch a movie when I wake up."

As Fang and Vanille continued to watch her, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, Lightning bit back a smile. She had a new microwave.

X X X

**Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

In my head, Vanille and Fang end up living in Lightning's house for a while after they get out of crystal stasis. Naturally, things are a bit weird, what with all the unresolved sexual tension and Vanille's general craziness. It also explains why Vanille is always dropping by the Yun-Farron house in _Ordinary Heroes_ – not only does she get to hang out with her number one minion but it's also pretty much her second home.

I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


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